although i hate christmas.
i am a total sucker for rosemary clooney and this entire fucking movie...

now. after all my complaining.
i still can't sleep.
especially with this damn song in my head.




...did i mention i am running a 5k tomorrow at 8am?

lately i have been a reasonably happy individual.

{other than a few encounters of the photographic sorts this week...
which is disappointing. because just when you think you are over it...it fucking smacks you across the face...the realization that he still exists and is fully capable of ripping my heart out. even if he already did...and this time it was via internet and completely unintentional. yet another sign that i need to get over it.}

certainly. my distraction (and yes. this is what i am calling you), has helped.

my thoughts are something that i feel only alice (or lewis carroll for that matter), could really ever describe as "curiouser and curiouser." i am curious as hell. curious about you that is. our conversations are beyond simplicity of terms, and the depth seems almost immeasurable.



it's something that has me torn. i find myself continuously looking forward to the most mindless of moments with you. sometimes i won't even need to do the things i do...it's simply to be near you or find a reason to talk to you. my biggest fear at this point...is the fact that i fear you are no longer a 'challenge'. it's beyond that. it's also i fear far more than 'just physical'. but there are however, more checks in the 'this scenario is a poor choice' column, than there are in the 'this could realistically work out' column.

but i also know that she cares about you. and you two deserve a chance. and i say that in the sincerest of words physically possible.



so until then....for the next four days or so...i am completely submersing myself in my work. of the artistic sorts. need to get some new projects going anyhow.

ultimately i hope i can transcribe these thoughts i have for you into illustrative ones; because they are certainly consuming my abilities of slumber.


curiouser and curiouser.

finally. something out of my comfort zone artistically.

this entire weekend I am attending an art workshop...and getting back to my primitive roots...using paint and my bare hands (literally. no painting utensils just fingers and a big ass mess). my mom she said it would be a good tool to enhance my usual style. oh man was she right. these are two pieces I worked on throughout the first day of the workshop...still have a ways to go...



great therapy that's for sure.

can't wait to finish this crazy shit.

it's wrong i know.
i shouldn't even be thinking about it. about you that is.
the attraction i strangely have for you, is something i have finally learned to accept. and apparently is obvious.

i mean. the possibility of this being more than a one way feeling is slim to none.
and even if it was...i mean....it still remains simply out of the question.
while of course age is a major factor; as is life experience, personality differences, and the fact of the matter that the situation is one not recommended by most...
i mean it's one of those basic rules...''you never date one of your...''

i can't help but think about you. something that could never work out...and yet all of the things working against it, almost makes me more attracted to you.

so many times when you lean past me, and i look up to you...i literally have to hold back. the thought of kissing you drives me insane. i have yet to decide if i want to blur the mental scenarios...or blend them into reality.

fuck. something so wrongfully right about all of it.


-du musst liebe zu sehen...

(mein schatzi, ich spreche mit ihnen. horen sie bitte...oder lesen. ich weiB nicht.)

my drive for you right now is off the charts.
this indescribable torture is nothing that can take a textual shape.
it's as though i don't even care what happened to me, to us.

it's a craving. i can't help it.

gold star for anyone who knows this.




it was the only thing that would come close to my thoughts.

don't you?

Finally. The moment had arrived.
The time I feared most for us both.

I had put everything out there for you-my honesty, my trust, my heart... and almost thought...for a few seconds, that a reconciliation would occur. However, you decided.

For once, even in all of my anger, I am happy you stuck with your pathetic reasoning for putting us to an end. Never again will I have to explain myself, reinvent myself, or fear your self-centered dramatics ever again. To believe I continued to contact you, see you or ever think that you could for once have some form of a peripheral vision was simply naive.

I hate you. Yes. It's true. But simply because I loved you.

This has surely been the end of all ends...
and happy it's over.

my final shift at starbucks is tomorrow morning.
thank god I shall never have to make a latte for anyone else ever again.
....well.
at least not in a hat and apron.

I almost completely forgot about my livejournal.
so here. now. I am making my return. (the anonymous comments certainly helped)

I am not in the mood to do a full blown update...
but this should provide a simple summary:

-got burned out from school.
-went through some personal ups and downs leading
to my ultimate re-evaluation of self.
-couldn't wait to move back home and get the hell out of westwood.
-confimed my desire to work in entertainment after an amazing internship experience.
-finally graduated (although no one saw me graduate because they oversold tickets at my graduation ceremony and they locked out my family...story of my life. seriously.)
-found a real job in the field I want to work in, and start next week.
-have come to the realization that I am in still in love with him.
...and the feelings are not mutual.

that about summarizes it.

this entry blows.

...as does my love life.

Normally, I am not one to post pictures with entries, but...this story is just far too good not to include the proper imagery...

Spring Retreat with the sorority usually means a day of pros and cons on construction paper, cheesy songs and lame 'sisterhood' activities...
however, this spring...we did a challenge course. aka...a ropes course.

Now, for those of you who legitimately know me, you know that a ropes course is really out of my element. Especially looking at 40 foot telephone poles I was suppose to climb, and thin wires I was expected to walk across; I wanted nothing more than to return to the usual construction paper activities in the safety of the house and on the GROUND.

However, I would soon learn...that climbing a 40 foot telephone pole, standing on top of it...and leaping four feet off of it...would be one of the greatest feelings of my life. I have never taken such a chance, done something so out of my comfort zone, done something I was so afraid of....and accomplished something so random yet so brilliant...that it was a new kind of therapy.

I know. I know now. That no matter what...I can look back on this experience and get that same rush.





At the end of the day, we said a word which described our personal experience throughout the challenge course. The first and only word that came to mind:
growth.

physical, personal and mental growth.
something I will never forget.

My seven days of peace...aka...spring break flew by and I am already drowning in spring quarter madness. I just keep reminding myself to rally, and no matter what, enjoy every moment I have left here; because in less than three months, it is all about to end.

Classes, the Allan Kaprow installation, my upcoming exhibition, the style network television show, spring sing, the sorority and graduation...and I still....

I just can't seem to get you out of my head.

I think more than any of the other stresses in my life, and obligations...
I still think about you and...someway...somehow...try to mentally attempt to make it work.

I cannot continue to live like this.
....in this in between place with you.
....this kind of limbo.

it wasn't even really what you said,
but me realizing that me being there
was wrong. Because we both know that
we can never just be in a static,
non-relationship place...'friends' that
is. is it strange to say that although
it seems like we could never really
work things out and be together....
that we really aren't meant for
anyone else?

that is why I walked out.
and it fucking hurt.
every bit of it.
but I know it is the right thing to do.

don't you?

...my heart that is.
it fucking hurts.

I never really got it before.
But I do now.



...this song says everything.

when can we get dancing again??

with all of the emotional change I am going through,
...I think I am going to change my plans for the next year or two.

I need to get outta here.
...like out of the country for a year outta here.

my parents are actually supporting it, and I am looking into a number of countries to live/work in for the next year or so.

this might be just what I need.
we shall see.

nada.

I have officially face planted here:


shit. the lowest of the low is right now.
i deleted it. yup. all seven numbers. gone.

i need a drink.

you talk about feeling it.
I am no longer drowning myself...
but trying to live with it and accept it.
and for the first time I am.
and it is awful.

There are these feelings that I have never experienced before.
and they are tearing me apart.

I just want to go back to my old ways.

but I know that I can't.
I am trying so hard.
and no one knows that but you.

I wish I had the guts to pick up the phone and call you.
I am a wreck.
I realize now my issue was a simple symptom to the root of a real problem.

shit I am feeling it.

is it June yet?

I want this all to end.
I am beyond ready to start the fuck over.
I am so tired of doing this.

is it June yet?